New Year’s Epiphany

It seemed like the entire world was excited to end 2017 and begin 2018. There was an unsurmountable amount of energy about the upcoming year that I had never witnessed before. Social media became the death of me and the longer I stayed on it, the worst I felt. I was alone and everyone was happy but me. I made a last-minute attempt to go out with a friend but shortly after accepting, she opted out. Luckily, an old colleague extended an invite to her place which got me out of the apartment and allowed me to meet a great group of people. However, too many things were weighing me down. I had become severely depressed about the breakup, I missed having a family and I was miserable at my job. It was the beginning of my rock bottom. Death seemed like the only way out and I was mildly excited about the thought. It felt like giving my two weeks notice on life—I no longer had to care.

I woke up hoping to feel better about 2018 but I was too far gone. It was a normal Wednesday morning… I got up, took care of Lotus (my adorable peekapoo) and headed off to work. I arrived at the office earlier than usual so as not to see anyone. I dropped off my laptop and badges, grabbed a few personal items and left. I had never been so apathetic about life—I  just wanted it to end. When I got home, Lotus greeted me with her usual excitement and grabbed a toy for us to play with. After about five minutes of catch, I laid down on the couch with not a care in the world.

I had done a bit of research about dying from dehydration and concluded it would be relatively simple. A few days of initial discomfort but overall bearable. Day one was a breeze. It was almost too easy. It even prompted me to type in my date-of-death in my calendar; but by day three, I was a wreck. I couldn’t resist the temptation to drink water and even though I was only allowing myself a glass per day, it was prolonging my life. Reality started to sink in and for the first time ever, I was scared to live and scared to die. I went into full panic mode and spent hours crying and pacing back and forth in my apartment. I wasn’t eating so I was wasting away by the second.

I texted Jake* the day I thought I was going to die. I told him I was scared, lonely and on the verge of a major breakdown. He responded in an indifferent tone and at that moment I realized I hit had rock bottom. I completely threw away my life because of a breakup. Jake* on the other hand did the opposite. He got a job of his dreams, was doing well in school, made a new group of friends, and became the best possible him. He no longer cared about me and was doing better than ever.

I finally decided to reach out to my friend Liz* who determined I was in no shape to be alone. She picked me up on a cold Saturday morning and drove me back to her place, an hour away from the city. What was supposed to be a one-night stay lasted for eight. Liz, a die-hard vegan, cooked the most delicious meals while I was there. Each day, I was being fed nothing but organic fruits, vegetables and grains all while drinking amazing wine. It was like being on a vacation from life. During the day while Liz was off to work, I was enjoying many leftovers, crap tv, and solitude. Occasionally, I would have a dark period but a quick cry or shower would make things better. I didn’t want to leave but I knew eventually, I was going to have to face life again.

Our last night together, Liz and I went to a Witching Hour hosted by her acupuncturist Holly, a healer who has helped transform many lives. The ceremony and women who attended were all so spirited and when I told my story I received nothing but an overwhelming amount of support and encouragement. The purpose of our meet was to come into our highest power and self-trust. It’s crazy how life synchronizes when you need it to most. I needed to be at that Witching Hour and had I not reached out to Liz eight days prior, I wouldn’t have known about it.

I went to LA for a bit as another way to escape what was waiting for me in New York. Coming home was scary, as it housed nothing but negativity and deep despair. However, I knew it was time for a change. I knew that I didn’t die because I still had a life to live. Lotus deserved better too. I lit my sage stick, turned on some music and danced the negativity away.

*Name has been changed to protect the privacy of the individual.

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