It’s Not Me, It’s You…

Getting to know someone on a deeper level allows you to see a side to them that is kept secret from the masses. This was something Jake* and I learned the hard way. He had no idea I could be so callous and austere and I had no idea he could be so mean and verbally abusive.

When Jake* and I first started dating, I was cold towards him more often than not. He was so excited to finally have me as his girlfriend yet I treated him like shit. I was no longer the free-spirited woman with an irresistible mystique that initially intrigued him. Instead, I was an angry soul whose heart had turned to coal. I slowly started to soften up and transform back into my old self (the version Jake* fell in love with) but it was too late. He was emotionally scarred and could no longer see the good in me.

By the time I was ready to fully love Jake* and nourish our relationship, he had lost faith in us and was never to be the same. During moments of divide, we assumed two roles… I was the bad guy and Jake* was the good guy. Everything was my fault and he was the perpetual victim. I felt like I was stripped of my rights to be upset. It was always, “how dare you question me after everything you’ve put me through.” If I had issues, Jake* didn’t “have time to deal” with them—he would either brush them off or place the sole blame on me.

Jake* was destroying me. I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him yet I was tired of how he was treating me. In the heat of an argument, he would say the most hurtful things and every time I would hate myself more and more. No one had ever made me feel so unlovable and unhinged as he. There were so many times after a fight I’d stay up and cry the night away but Jake* didn’t care because to him I deserved it.

All I ever wanted was a beautiful, loving relationship with Jake*. One filled with trust, honesty, happiness and loyalty. I prayed for us on a daily basis. I believed we could get through anything but Jake* felt differently…

“You’re a sociopath. You’re a narcissist. You don’t deserve someone like me. You need to grow up. You’re going to meet another great guy and treat him like shit like you treated me. You don’t know how to take responsibility for your own actions. You don’t appreciate what’s in front of you. If I told my friends everything you’ve done to me, they would tell me to leave. You need some serious help. The only thing you’re consistent with is inconsistency. You don’t have any remorse. I can never be with someone like you. I call bullshit on everything you just said. I’m not going to apologize because it makes me seem guilty for something I didn’t do. You damaged me. You don’t respect me. You’re unreliable. All you do is self-sabotage. The world doesn’t revolve around you. You are not the victim here. You think you have a right to be upset?! This is all my fault, I didn’t set boundaries with you. I wasted five years of my life with you. All you do is attract drama. You’re being dramatic. All you think about is yourself. You’re being a dick. You killed my baby. You don’t know how to treat people. I’m not going to sugar coat things to make you feel better about yourself. You crossed me one too many times. It’s too late for us. I’m starting to resent you. You embarrassed me. You need to be with someone who will always agree with you. You only want me when you can’t have me. You’re being manipulative. I didn’t make you feel like shit, you did that on your own. I can’t even have an adult conversation with you. I’m not going to change my phone habits just to make you feel comfortable.  You’re emotionally abusive. You’re ungrateful.” — Jake*

*Name has been changed to protect the privacy of the individual.

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