New Year’s Epiphany

New Year’s Epiphany

It seemed like the entire world was excited to end 2017 and begin 2018. There was an unsurmountable amount of energy about the upcoming year that I had never witnessed before. Social media became the death of me and the longer I stayed on it, the worst I felt. I was alone and everyone was happy but me. I made a last-minute attempt to go out with a friend but shortly after accepting, she opted out. Luckily, an old colleague extended an invite to her place which got me out of the apartment and allowed me to meet a great group of people. However, too many things were weighing me down. I had become severely depressed about the breakup, I missed having a family and I was miserable at my job. It was the beginning of my rock bottom. Death seemed like the only way out and I was mildly excited about the thought. It felt like giving my two weeks notice on life—I no longer had to care.

I woke up hoping to feel better about 2018 but I was too far gone. It was a normal Wednesday morning… I got up, took care of Lotus (my adorable peekapoo) and headed off to work. I arrived at the office earlier than usual so as not to see anyone. I dropped off my laptop and badges, grabbed a few personal items and left. I had never been so apathetic about life—I  just wanted it to end. When I got home, Lotus greeted me with her usual excitement and grabbed a toy for us to play with. After about five minutes of catch, I laid down on the couch with not a care in the world.

I had done a bit of research about dying from dehydration and concluded it would be relatively simple. A few days of initial discomfort but overall bearable. Day one was a breeze. It was almost too easy. It even prompted me to type in my date-of-death in my calendar; but by day three, I was a wreck. I couldn’t resist the temptation to drink water and even though I was only allowing myself a glass per day, it was prolonging my life. Reality started to sink in and for the first time ever, I was scared to live and scared to die. I went into full panic mode and spent hours crying and pacing back and forth in my apartment. I wasn’t eating so I was wasting away by the second.

I texted Jake* the day I thought I was going to die. I told him I was scared, lonely and on the verge of a major breakdown. He responded in an indifferent tone and at that moment I realized I hit had rock bottom. I completely threw away my life because of a breakup. Jake* on the other hand did the opposite. He got a job of his dreams, was doing well in school, made a new group of friends, and became the best possible him. He no longer cared about me and was doing better than ever.

I finally decided to reach out to my friend Liz* who determined I was in no shape to be alone. She picked me up on a cold Saturday morning and drove me back to her place, an hour away from the city. What was supposed to be a one-night stay lasted for eight. Liz, a die-hard vegan, cooked the most delicious meals while I was there. Each day, I was being fed nothing but organic fruits, vegetables and grains all while drinking amazing wine. It was like being on a vacation from life. During the day while Liz was off to work, I was enjoying many leftovers, crap tv, and solitude. Occasionally, I would have a dark period but a quick cry or shower would make things better. I didn’t want to leave but I knew eventually, I was going to have to face life again.

Our last night together, Liz and I went to a Witching Hour hosted by her acupuncturist Holly, a healer who has helped transform many lives. The ceremony and women who attended were all so spirited and when I told my story I received nothing but an overwhelming amount of support and encouragement. The purpose of our meet was to come into our highest power and self-trust. It’s crazy how life synchronizes when you need it to most. I needed to be at that Witching Hour and had I not reached out to Liz eight days prior, I wouldn’t have known about it.

I went to LA for a bit as another way to escape what was waiting for me in New York. Coming home was scary, as it housed nothing but negativity and deep despair. However, I knew it was time for a change. I knew that I didn’t die because I still had a life to live. Lotus deserved better too. I lit my sage stick, turned on some music and danced the negativity away.

*Name has been changed to protect the privacy of the individual.

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My Big Fat Breakup

My Big Fat Breakup

Jake* and I had an on-again, off-again relationship that lasted for almost five years. Breaking up became such a regular occurrence that we were conditioned to expect one every three to four months. Ultimately, we rewarded our “healthy” and “stable” relationship, by moving in together—a decision that would later prove to be one of the two biggest mistakes I made in 2017.

Once my lease ended, I got rid of all of my furniture and independence to move into Jake’s* two-bedroom apartment. I was so excited and happy. At first, everything was amazing and living under one roof seemed to be the answer to all of our problems. However, that was short lived and my branded form of crazy started to question everything. Jake* cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship, which left me with perpetual doubt on his ability to remain monogamous. Little things began to bother me that I couldn’t explain. However, it was his phone behaviors that became the biggest divide in our relationship and what ended up being the catalyst to our breakup. I was 100% convinced Jake* was being unfaithful again, there were things I found out that I kept to myself just to avoid arguments. Things progressively became strained in our relationship and we started to have talks about either breaking up or going to therapy. Jake* frowned upon therapy but I knew in my heart it would’ve done wonders for us.

The breaking point came when Jake decided to go to Mexico City without me—a trip we were originally supposed to take together. I was devastated. I was convinced he was going to meet up with someone else. The day Jake* left, I was angry and hurt. He knew I was itching to take a vacation and we hadn’t been able to do so prior because of his school commitments. Jake* had a great way of ignoring my emotional/security needs because to him, I was always the bad guy. I was always this difficult person that treated him like shit. No one had ever made me doubt myself as much as he. He shredded my soul and I was slowly becoming a woman with no spirit or joie de vivre.

There I was in the spare bedroom, watching mindless tv while he was posting pics every moment of his trip. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned became my truth. For the week Jake* was gone, I occupied some of my time with Aaron* a bartender from our neighborhood bar. At the time I had no remorse because Aaron* saw me in the way Jake* used to—sweet, funny and full of life. I felt beautiful on the inside and lovable.  Aaron* and I had an emotional affair. We were two souls suffering from deep emotional pain. Me because of my failing relationship with a man who could no longer see the good in me and him because of a recent breakup and a rough childhood that often left him suicidal. We hadn’t engaged in any sexual activity but our last night together I became extremely amorous.

The day before Jake* was due to come home, I was ridden with guilt. I felt awful. I was so lost and so disconnected with reality. Aaron* was developing feelings for me and I betrayed the man I so much wanted to be a Queen for. This was also my second biggest mistake of the year.

Everyone was excited about the solar eclipse yet I kept feeling like something tragic was going to happen. I left work early once Jake* called to let me know he was home. My heart pounded the entire walk from the train station to our apartment but I just figured it was unsettled nerves. The minute I walked in, I knew my horrible little secret was no longer a secret or little. Jake* broke up with me immediately and that was the end to my life, as I knew it.

*Name has been changed to protect the privacy of the individual.