New Year’s Epiphany

New Year’s Epiphany

It seemed like the entire world was excited to end 2017 and begin 2018. There was an unsurmountable amount of energy about the upcoming year that I had never witnessed before. Social media became the death of me and the longer I stayed on it, the worst I felt. I was alone and everyone was happy but me. I made a last-minute attempt to go out with a friend but shortly after accepting, she opted out. Luckily, an old colleague extended an invite to her place which got me out of the apartment and allowed me to meet a great group of people. However, too many things were weighing me down. I had become severely depressed about the breakup, I missed having a family and I was miserable at my job. It was the beginning of my rock bottom. Death seemed like the only way out and I was mildly excited about the thought. It felt like giving my two weeks notice on life—I no longer had to care.

I woke up hoping to feel better about 2018 but I was too far gone. It was a normal Wednesday morning… I got up, took care of Lotus (my adorable peekapoo) and headed off to work. I arrived at the office earlier than usual so as not to see anyone. I dropped off my laptop and badges, grabbed a few personal items and left. I had never been so apathetic about life—I  just wanted it to end. When I got home, Lotus greeted me with her usual excitement and grabbed a toy for us to play with. After about five minutes of catch, I laid down on the couch with not a care in the world.

I had done a bit of research about dying from dehydration and concluded it would be relatively simple. A few days of initial discomfort but overall bearable. Day one was a breeze. It was almost too easy. It even prompted me to type in my date-of-death in my calendar; but by day three, I was a wreck. I couldn’t resist the temptation to drink water and even though I was only allowing myself a glass per day, it was prolonging my life. Reality started to sink in and for the first time ever, I was scared to live and scared to die. I went into full panic mode and spent hours crying and pacing back and forth in my apartment. I wasn’t eating so I was wasting away by the second.

I texted Jake* the day I thought I was going to die. I told him I was scared, lonely and on the verge of a major breakdown. He responded in an indifferent tone and at that moment I realized I hit had rock bottom. I completely threw away my life because of a breakup. Jake* on the other hand did the opposite. He got a job of his dreams, was doing well in school, made a new group of friends, and became the best possible him. He no longer cared about me and was doing better than ever.

I finally decided to reach out to my friend Liz* who determined I was in no shape to be alone. She picked me up on a cold Saturday morning and drove me back to her place, an hour away from the city. What was supposed to be a one-night stay lasted for eight. Liz, a die-hard vegan, cooked the most delicious meals while I was there. Each day, I was being fed nothing but organic fruits, vegetables and grains all while drinking amazing wine. It was like being on a vacation from life. During the day while Liz was off to work, I was enjoying many leftovers, crap tv, and solitude. Occasionally, I would have a dark period but a quick cry or shower would make things better. I didn’t want to leave but I knew eventually, I was going to have to face life again.

Our last night together, Liz and I went to a Witching Hour hosted by her acupuncturist Holly, a healer who has helped transform many lives. The ceremony and women who attended were all so spirited and when I told my story I received nothing but an overwhelming amount of support and encouragement. The purpose of our meet was to come into our highest power and self-trust. It’s crazy how life synchronizes when you need it to most. I needed to be at that Witching Hour and had I not reached out to Liz eight days prior, I wouldn’t have known about it.

I went to LA for a bit as another way to escape what was waiting for me in New York. Coming home was scary, as it housed nothing but negativity and deep despair. However, I knew it was time for a change. I knew that I didn’t die because I still had a life to live. Lotus deserved better too. I lit my sage stick, turned on some music and danced the negativity away.

*Name has been changed to protect the privacy of the individual.