Social Me-Dia(ry)

Social Me-Dia(ry)

It had been two weeks since I moved out of Jake’s* apartment. Our last morning together was so surreal I couldn’t even process it. I just remembered us saying our usual off-to-work goodbyes but only this time it was our last.

Adjusting to my new reality was tough. I no longer had the right to know what Jake’s* plans were and he no longer had to text me his whereabouts. However, thanks to Instagram, I was able to get a snapshot of his post-breakup life. It felt like one post could tell the whole story. Lovis*, one of the women Jake* cheated on me with ironically started liking his pics again and within no time he started to like hers as well. I knew they never stopped talking, Jake* didn’t respect me enough for that and thanks to Instagram, my “theories” had been “proven” right. Each virtual interaction they shared was a sting to my heart. Jake* had betrayed me so much yet I was somehow the devil for my week affair with Aaron*.

In addition to Lovis* was Gisselle R*, Jake’s* new classmate from Brazil. She started to like every pic he posted and every time I saw her name in his likes, my stomach dropped. Everyone seemed to know but Jake* that liking posts on Instagram was virtual flirting. “I don’t follow these social media rules” he would always say but maybe he didn’t remember I found out he was cheating on me with Lovis* a week after he started liking all her pics on Facebook.

Stalking Jake* on Instagram became an unhealthy habit. It got to the point where immediately after waking up, I would go to his page to see if he posted anything new. Afterwards, I would go to my activity feed to see whose posts he was liking. It was a sick and horrible addiction yet I couldn’t stop.

The tipping point to my insanity came when Jake* posted a pic from Paris. There he was on yet another trip we were supposed to take together without me. Words, even to this day, couldn’t describe the emotions that ran through my head. I could barely concentrate at work. I just wanted to be home so I could cry. I did however, wish Jake* safe travels and a great time.

His trip lasted for two agonizing weeks and consisted of four countries. My stalking went to unprecedented levels and I was becoming deeply ashamed of myself. Who had I become and when was this new me going to fade away?

The only thing that was keeping me happy was looking at old pics Jake* kept of us on his page. They reminded me of our happier times and of all the potential we had. But then, one dreadful day, they were gone—Jake*, in a matter of seconds, completely deleted me out of his existence. It was the final straw… I could no longer allow Jake’s* virtual-self control my actual-self. Shortly thereafter, I blocked his account which was something I should have done the moment he said “I just need you to be out of my life.”

*Name has been changed to protect the privacy of the individual.

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My Big Fat Breakup

My Big Fat Breakup

Jake* and I had an on-again, off-again relationship that lasted for almost five years. Breaking up became such a regular occurrence that we were conditioned to expect one every three to four months. Ultimately, we rewarded our “healthy” and “stable” relationship, by moving in together—a decision that would later prove to be one of the two biggest mistakes I made in 2017.

Once my lease ended, I got rid of all of my furniture and independence to move into Jake’s* two-bedroom apartment. I was so excited and happy. At first, everything was amazing and living under one roof seemed to be the answer to all of our problems. However, that was short lived and my branded form of crazy started to question everything. Jake* cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship, which left me with perpetual doubt on his ability to remain monogamous. Little things began to bother me that I couldn’t explain. However, it was his phone behaviors that became the biggest divide in our relationship and what ended up being the catalyst to our breakup. I was 100% convinced Jake* was being unfaithful again, there were things I found out that I kept to myself just to avoid arguments. Things progressively became strained in our relationship and we started to have talks about either breaking up or going to therapy. Jake* frowned upon therapy but I knew in my heart it would’ve done wonders for us.

The breaking point came when Jake decided to go to Mexico City without me—a trip we were originally supposed to take together. I was devastated. I was convinced he was going to meet up with someone else. The day Jake* left, I was angry and hurt. He knew I was itching to take a vacation and we hadn’t been able to do so prior because of his school commitments. Jake* had a great way of ignoring my emotional/security needs because to him, I was always the bad guy. I was always this difficult person that treated him like shit. No one had ever made me doubt myself as much as he. He shredded my soul and I was slowly becoming a woman with no spirit or joie de vivre.

There I was in the spare bedroom, watching mindless tv while he was posting pics every moment of his trip. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned became my truth. For the week Jake* was gone, I occupied some of my time with Aaron* a bartender from our neighborhood bar. At the time I had no remorse because Aaron* saw me in the way Jake* used to—sweet, funny and full of life. I felt beautiful on the inside and lovable.  Aaron* and I had an emotional affair. We were two souls suffering from deep emotional pain. Me because of my failing relationship with a man who could no longer see the good in me and him because of a recent breakup and a rough childhood that often left him suicidal. We hadn’t engaged in any sexual activity but our last night together I became extremely amorous.

The day before Jake* was due to come home, I was ridden with guilt. I felt awful. I was so lost and so disconnected with reality. Aaron* was developing feelings for me and I betrayed the man I so much wanted to be a Queen for. This was also my second biggest mistake of the year.

Everyone was excited about the solar eclipse yet I kept feeling like something tragic was going to happen. I left work early once Jake* called to let me know he was home. My heart pounded the entire walk from the train station to our apartment but I just figured it was unsettled nerves. The minute I walked in, I knew my horrible little secret was no longer a secret or little. Jake* broke up with me immediately and that was the end to my life, as I knew it.

*Name has been changed to protect the privacy of the individual.